True Friends

Lately, I've become so critical of myself and how I look.

Life seemed much more simple when I could throw on a tee, athletic shorts, and chacos everyday.  Throw my hair in a braid, brush my teeth, splash some water on my face.  Good to go.  Nobody to impress and no standard acceptable dress to live up to.  Life was easy.

Now, I constantly feel pressure from the world to look and dress a certain way.  I know though that these thoughts are simply my own insecurity.  This is something I thought was a (long) phase in middle/high school, yet the lies of the world attack me again telling me that I'm not good enough because I don't have perfect skin, perfect hair, or am not skinny enough.  I am so quick to recognize the beauty in my friends, both their inward and outer beauty.  I see their unique beauty on the outside, but even more then that, I see loving, encouraging woman that the Lord has created so perfectly.  I see the beauty so clearly in others, yet am so critical of myself.  I've been praying a lot lately, that the Lord would once again remind me of where true beauty comes from.

Beauty is so much more then outer appearances.  Beauty is a heart that is fully pursuing and conforming to that of Christ's heart.  How often I pray for this, yet do not recognize that the Lord is simply waiting for me to rest in Him.  I become so caught up in criticizing myself that I forget that He already calls be His beloved, and there is nothing that I did or can do to earn that.

So here are some photos of a few of those people that have helped me to have a better understanding of true beauty.

These ladies have taught me so much in so many different ways.  They are all so unique and different in every single way, but I believe that that is why God places people in our lives from different places and backgrounds.  We all have something to share and teach each other and I am so thankful for what I have learned from these precious friends.  Whether I still hang out with them every week, or it has been months since our last coffee date or adventure, I am thankful for these women.  They are beautiful.

I also realized in going through old photos, that I love photographing people.  I don't do it often, as many of my friends usually start out feeling uncomfortable in front of the camera or claim they are not photogenic.  Even still, it is something that I am going to strive to do more, as every person has a unique story and was created and made beautiful by our Maker.  I mentioned in a post last week that I wanted to strive to see the beauty and blessings in everyday things.  Even more then that, I want to see more clearly and recognize the beauty in others and the blessing that true friends are.  So with that, thank you to all of my friends that have taught me just what beauty really means.

Don't strive to fit into the worlds mold of beauty.  Embrace who the Lord has made you to be.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5

Hello again, Blog World!

How do I begin to even sum up the past two months of my life?  Let me just start with this simple, but oh so truthful statement.  God is good.  Since being back at school the Lord has blown me away.  I have been continuing to see just how inadequate I really am to do all the tasks and handle all the issues that have needed resolving.  The Lord has provided me with such peace during this stressful and emotional time that I can't even begin to describe.  He has been teaching me full reliance and trust in Him in countless new ways.  He has spoken to my heart and revealed himself to me in ways I never thought were possible.  I am constantly reminded that I don't have to fight the battle anymore, because he has already won the war for my heart.

I've been reading a lot in the Corinthians and a certain verse I read really stuck out to me and definitely convicted me.  As I've established before, I am quite the perfectionist.  Obviously, perfection is something that I will never attain, and God's redeeming power would not have a place in my life.  As I was reading in the final chapter of 2 Corinthians, this passage jumped out of the page at me. 

"For we are glad when we are weak and you are strong.  Your restoration is what we pray for."

I have been constantly talking with several friends about how our weaknesses are a chance for the Lord's strength, might, and power to shine through more evidently.  But to be glad that I am weak?  That is certainly not something that I can say that I do in the least.  I need the Lord's restoration and guiding hand in my life everyday.  I want to rejoice in my weaknesses so that Christ's glory may be displayed through every facet of my life.  

 God will give us the right words to say at the right time.  He will reveal the direction we are to go in HIS time, not our own.  He is sovereign.  He is King.  He is Lord. 

Abiding in the Spirit

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness..."  Galatians 5:22

The Lord has put his Spirit within us, the Spirit of joy!  This joy does not come from outward circumstances, whether that be material things or acheivements.  This joy comes from knowing and being in relationship with Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.  As we learn to abide in the Spirit, he blesses us with these "fruits."  

Seek to live close to the Lord and be open to what He is doing in your life and heart today.  Ask for the Spirit to direct your thoughts and actions.  Focus on the Lord, for he goes before and He is beside us.  You will find these things, love, joy, and peace, only in His presence. 

Try This Psalm on for Size

If I haven't already made it clear on here, I like writing.  But, I don't like writing as much as other things.  Things being, eating, reading, talking, etc.

A lot of times I write as a way to express what I feel I have been learning and feel led to share with somebody.  If I find that through writing then I write, but a lot of times I can find that outlet elsewhere.  Hence, my lack of posting as often as I would like.  It's not laziness, it's lack of motivation.

When I got to college I started this blog as a way to share and sort out the things that the Lord was teaching me and the experiences I was having.  It was a good way to adjust for me.

After two years at college, I now have godly, encouraging friends who I can talk to when I need perspective or to sort my thoughts out.  I have a job with my college in student leadership, my studies, friendships, and my church family to help me keep things in perspective, which is why I haven't really become "regular" in my blogging.

Of course there is a reason why I am writing this post then, when I have countless other things to be doing (just kidding, I am not busy in the least this weekend).

In a couple months I will be taking on a new adventure as an RA, and then a year from now I will be graduating.  I've been in prayer, read my assigned books, and emailed back and forth with my RD, and it's all becoming very real.  Not only will this be my last year at school, but I will be responsible for the safety of forty girls.  This is why I need to write.  This is when I need to sort my thoughts into order and watch paragraphs from.  And, thankfully end.

College girls say and do some crazy things.  They still cry about MANY things.  New challenges, obstacles, hardships, and trials arise on a daily basis.  As an SLD on my hall last year, these are things that I have come to understand are a part of life on a girl's hall.  I try to take them in stride.  I want to be more sensitive to them going into the new school year.  I want to build trust with the girls on my hall.  I want to know where they are spiritually.

Even more so, I'm excited/sad that next year will be my Senior year.  Sometimes I get a little overwhelmed by the bittersweet of it.  So many good things will be left behind, but even better things to anticipate.  But, I know that some of the things that were good during those four years, will continue to be good then.  But what will my life look like after graduation?

I don't know.

There is a great temptation to try and figure out what the future will look like, to analyze every possible outcome, to spend more time planning my life then living it.  Giving more energy towards avoid undesired outcomes then pursuing the only outcome that really matters.

Thankfully, I have another option...

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act."

There is so much about the future that I don't know, and sometimes the weight of that can seem too heavy.  But I don't have to carry that burden anymore.  As I follow Christ, he will direct me where I need to go in due time.  

If you feel like this sometimes, take a look at Psalm 37:3-7.  I think you'll like what you see.  

Seek My Face

 

Sitting on the docks at the park, I read this verse over and over.

"When you said, "Seek my face," My heart said to You, "Your face, LORD, I will seek."  Psalm 27:8

Tears started welling up in my eyes.  My hand shook as I wrote in my journal, pouring out my heart to the Lord.

"Seek my face."

This verse was in my devotional book that morning.  Every morning I read from this book, striving to start my day in His presence.

I remember reading this verse quite some time ago, back when I was a sophomore in high school.  Having for the first time realized what it meant to have a relationship with the Lord, I started searching through my new "adult" Bible.  I came across this verse and thought to myself, "Yeah, I do that.  I seek the Lord's face.  Not something I have to try for very much."  Boy, I thought I had it all together by myself.

A little over five years later and I see this verse in a much different light.  After six mission trips, leading students in my youth group for two years, discipling college girls at my school for two years, studying Religion and Inter-Cultural Studies, and having the opportunity to be taught by some of the wisest and godliest men and women on earth, I now know that I am not seeking the Lord's face everyday or in every area of my life.

Through all of the transitions of the past several years, the ups and downs, I have seen the Lord's faithfulness more then ever.  Not only is He the solid rock that I can stand on, but He is faithfully working in me.  For the past few months I've wondered, how can I REALLY seek his face?  And finally, I can say, I'm starting to understand what that means.

Seeking His face involves rest.  At the same time it involves action.  It means being with Jesus - not just doing.  Doing flows out of being.  If comes from fulling resting in Jesus - after we know who we are in Him and who He is.

In the past several months, God has showed me that I constantly put my value in the things that I do instead of who He says I am.  I struggled with "performance identity."  Raise my hands in worship, pray eloquently, always offer to pray in groups, volunteer in every area possible, etc.  I didn't realize it until I sat at home over Christmas break with no one to "impress" with my spirituality.  Quickly, the Lord revealed to me that I had put my identity in my "job" and ministry.  A part of me crumbled.  I didn't have any labeled ministry while I was at home for that whole month.  I wasn't plugged in to my church to serve or disciple either.

I started to realize that perfection or striving for identity in my performance is not God's plan for me.  That is not what He wants for his children.  Yes, He wants us to work hard.  Yes, we are to use the gifts He has given us.  However, our value and identity are not found in the things that we do.  Our identity is found in Jesus, who says we are loved, cherished, valued, redeemed, set apart, and His inheritance.  He doesn't love us because of what we do, He simply loves us because we are His.  Yes we are to serve him, but out of love, not out of fear.

I don't have an intense ministry job right now.  I can rest.  I can seek His face.  I can simply be with Him - in the present, with whatever I'm doing.  To give thanks.  To trust. To pray.  I'm learning to be content with not having a being surrounded with a bunch of girls pouring their hearts out to me, seeking for advice and encouragement.

There are different seasons for everything.  This one is a season of seeking for me.  This is a season to go back to the basics - to remember why I fell in love with Jesus in the first place.  To not think of him as my employer, but as my King and Savior.  To just seek Him and know that I can't do anything apart from Him.  I just get to be with Him and let his love and light shine forth.  For His name's sake alone.  He's been showing me this through the past months.  Whatever season you are in today, know that the Lord is calling you to seek Him.  To rest in Him.  To find your identity in Him and then go wherever He leads you, continually seeking him all the while.  You don't have to prove yourself.  He already loves you completely, forever.