dependence

everyday i am constantly reminded of how much i need to depend on the Lord for my strength, patience, the ability to love, and countless other things.  lately i have often been convicted of not giving him my full attention.  don't ask me what has been distracting me, because honestly i'm not sure.  one thing i do know is that i want more then anything else to be persistent in pursuing him.  even more importantly, i want to constantly remember and know that he is still pursuing me.

i'm reminded everyday that i must continue to put my trust in the Lord.  it is much more then a one time commitment.  it is a daily decision and prayer.  i've asked the Lord to let me be more conscious of his presence in my everyday life, and boy, when i am focusing on his presence, it makes decisions of my words, actions, and even what i do in private much easier.  i've been studying more about what the light of God really means.  he is the ultimate light of the world that casts out darkness, we are just privileged to be able to walk in his light and spread it to all the world.  we were designed to enjoy this light, Christ Jesus, above all else.  he only can fulfill the deepest desires of our heart.

he only can cast away every fear and anxiety in our lives.  he only can lift his people out of the darkness of the world.  dependence in our world is often seen as a sign of immaturity.  fully depending on God is the single most mature and wise decision(s) we will/can ever make in our lives.

Try This Psalm on for Size

If I haven't already made it clear on here, I like writing.  But, I don't like writing as much as other things.  Things being, eating, reading, talking, etc.

A lot of times I write as a way to express what I feel I have been learning and feel led to share with somebody.  If I find that through writing then I write, but a lot of times I can find that outlet elsewhere.  Hence, my lack of posting as often as I would like.  It's not laziness, it's lack of motivation.

When I got to college I started this blog as a way to share and sort out the things that the Lord was teaching me and the experiences I was having.  It was a good way to adjust for me.

After two years at college, I now have godly, encouraging friends who I can talk to when I need perspective or to sort my thoughts out.  I have a job with my college in student leadership, my studies, friendships, and my church family to help me keep things in perspective, which is why I haven't really become "regular" in my blogging.

Of course there is a reason why I am writing this post then, when I have countless other things to be doing (just kidding, I am not busy in the least this weekend).

In a couple months I will be taking on a new adventure as an RA, and then a year from now I will be graduating.  I've been in prayer, read my assigned books, and emailed back and forth with my RD, and it's all becoming very real.  Not only will this be my last year at school, but I will be responsible for the safety of forty girls.  This is why I need to write.  This is when I need to sort my thoughts into order and watch paragraphs from.  And, thankfully end.

College girls say and do some crazy things.  They still cry about MANY things.  New challenges, obstacles, hardships, and trials arise on a daily basis.  As an SLD on my hall last year, these are things that I have come to understand are a part of life on a girl's hall.  I try to take them in stride.  I want to be more sensitive to them going into the new school year.  I want to build trust with the girls on my hall.  I want to know where they are spiritually.

Even more so, I'm excited/sad that next year will be my Senior year.  Sometimes I get a little overwhelmed by the bittersweet of it.  So many good things will be left behind, but even better things to anticipate.  But, I know that some of the things that were good during those four years, will continue to be good then.  But what will my life look like after graduation?

I don't know.

There is a great temptation to try and figure out what the future will look like, to analyze every possible outcome, to spend more time planning my life then living it.  Giving more energy towards avoid undesired outcomes then pursuing the only outcome that really matters.

Thankfully, I have another option...

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act."

There is so much about the future that I don't know, and sometimes the weight of that can seem too heavy.  But I don't have to carry that burden anymore.  As I follow Christ, he will direct me where I need to go in due time.  

If you feel like this sometimes, take a look at Psalm 37:3-7.  I think you'll like what you see.  

Seek My Face

 

Sitting on the docks at the park, I read this verse over and over.

"When you said, "Seek my face," My heart said to You, "Your face, LORD, I will seek."  Psalm 27:8

Tears started welling up in my eyes.  My hand shook as I wrote in my journal, pouring out my heart to the Lord.

"Seek my face."

This verse was in my devotional book that morning.  Every morning I read from this book, striving to start my day in His presence.

I remember reading this verse quite some time ago, back when I was a sophomore in high school.  Having for the first time realized what it meant to have a relationship with the Lord, I started searching through my new "adult" Bible.  I came across this verse and thought to myself, "Yeah, I do that.  I seek the Lord's face.  Not something I have to try for very much."  Boy, I thought I had it all together by myself.

A little over five years later and I see this verse in a much different light.  After six mission trips, leading students in my youth group for two years, discipling college girls at my school for two years, studying Religion and Inter-Cultural Studies, and having the opportunity to be taught by some of the wisest and godliest men and women on earth, I now know that I am not seeking the Lord's face everyday or in every area of my life.

Through all of the transitions of the past several years, the ups and downs, I have seen the Lord's faithfulness more then ever.  Not only is He the solid rock that I can stand on, but He is faithfully working in me.  For the past few months I've wondered, how can I REALLY seek his face?  And finally, I can say, I'm starting to understand what that means.

Seeking His face involves rest.  At the same time it involves action.  It means being with Jesus - not just doing.  Doing flows out of being.  If comes from fulling resting in Jesus - after we know who we are in Him and who He is.

In the past several months, God has showed me that I constantly put my value in the things that I do instead of who He says I am.  I struggled with "performance identity."  Raise my hands in worship, pray eloquently, always offer to pray in groups, volunteer in every area possible, etc.  I didn't realize it until I sat at home over Christmas break with no one to "impress" with my spirituality.  Quickly, the Lord revealed to me that I had put my identity in my "job" and ministry.  A part of me crumbled.  I didn't have any labeled ministry while I was at home for that whole month.  I wasn't plugged in to my church to serve or disciple either.

I started to realize that perfection or striving for identity in my performance is not God's plan for me.  That is not what He wants for his children.  Yes, He wants us to work hard.  Yes, we are to use the gifts He has given us.  However, our value and identity are not found in the things that we do.  Our identity is found in Jesus, who says we are loved, cherished, valued, redeemed, set apart, and His inheritance.  He doesn't love us because of what we do, He simply loves us because we are His.  Yes we are to serve him, but out of love, not out of fear.

I don't have an intense ministry job right now.  I can rest.  I can seek His face.  I can simply be with Him - in the present, with whatever I'm doing.  To give thanks.  To trust. To pray.  I'm learning to be content with not having a being surrounded with a bunch of girls pouring their hearts out to me, seeking for advice and encouragement.

There are different seasons for everything.  This one is a season of seeking for me.  This is a season to go back to the basics - to remember why I fell in love with Jesus in the first place.  To not think of him as my employer, but as my King and Savior.  To just seek Him and know that I can't do anything apart from Him.  I just get to be with Him and let his love and light shine forth.  For His name's sake alone.  He's been showing me this through the past months.  Whatever season you are in today, know that the Lord is calling you to seek Him.  To rest in Him.  To find your identity in Him and then go wherever He leads you, continually seeking him all the while.  You don't have to prove yourself.  He already loves you completely, forever.